The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
