why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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