Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
My bed smells like the plague
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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