We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
