Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
