you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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