Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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