his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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