i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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