mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
