Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
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