I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
