she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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