He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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