I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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