My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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