Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
