areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
