Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
