I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
