Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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