i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
