I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
