That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
