She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
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