i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
