the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
