I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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