I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
