So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
You had me at "let me see your balls"
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
