people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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