my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
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Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
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I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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