Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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