Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
