Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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