I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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