Old men and throwing up are my life now.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
