went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
