My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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