The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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