your thong is hanging out like whoa
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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