After last night, I could never be a politician.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
