My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
