I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
