how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
