My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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