There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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