He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
