Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
