I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
