I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
