now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
