I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
