sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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