my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
