What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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