Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
