guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize
