Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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