mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
