Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
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