didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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